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I thought having a new phone would divert my thoughts about you…but it even reminded me so much of you. I felt like I was the phone and you are the charger of the phone…This phone once had a charger but it was lost. Just like me, I got lost for 3 years with someone. The owner had a hard time finding for a new charger, as I had the hardest time of moving on. Until the owner of the phone found a charger that she thought would work well on the phone and just as i thought that after a sweet downfall, I found a new source of happiness. The charger worked well at first, like how things were exciting for the new found love. But as the owner noticed some impeding problems with the charger and the phone even showed a warning : CHARGER CANNOT BE A SOURCE OF… (forgot the last few words). Same as how I knew from the start, when I saw a sign and a warning inside my head appeared saying : THIS IS INSANITY…TEMPORARY INSANITY…YOU’LL GET HURT…STOP… Just like the owner, I did not stop when I saw the warning, as the owner of the phone continued to wait until the charger worked well even if it seemed like it doesn’t.  The owner was already getting frustrated because she couldn’t use the phone…as I was got frustrated over the situation I got myself into because I didn’t care about the warning. And just like the phone, the occasional joy he brings me is the same as the very few occasions for the owner to open and use her phone successfully. Me and the owner are the same. We both think that there are means to make things better. The owner bringing her phone to  a nearby cphone repair shop to have it checked and be fixed…as I would like to bring myself to a state where I could feel no pain nor think about his memories and eventually move on…

I hate break-ups and not so happy endings…even movies with an ending that leaves the audience asking for a more comprehensive conclusion on how a certain story ended…without expecting for a sequel of the said story…without months passing by, just so you could get to see if the continuation of the said story will lead to a happy ending or not… More so, I hate it when you thought your through with something and then it suddenly surges it’s way back to life…and that only happens when the people involve just simply disappeared in the scene without really knowing whether they have ended it or simply want to calm the fire… and for what reasons it has ended … and at times to really have a clear understanding of how it even begun…

It’s so ironic that I hated those things, but more often than not, I usually get myself in those circumstances wherein I would say goodbye and end something…though in reality, I’m even wondering how things started… if the ending was really a conclusive part of the whole story… At times, the other person involved didn’t even realize that we already ended it…or should I say I ended it. And now, reading along those lines made me want to clarify everything that bothered me for the longest time…how it started? Did he also end it the same way I wanted things to be? Did he go through the same ordeals as I do? Did he also get drunk and let everyone know how hurt and sorry he was for his misgivings that caused his own pain and the people who care for him? Did he ever experience crying himself to sleep because of so much guilt, regret, yet missing the good old days with an almost lover? Did he ever think of how he was genuinely liked by a woman, yet imposing the rule that the duration of the said so-called whatever relationship is uncertain? This made me remember a line from the movie “autumn in New York”, when the character of Richarch Gere had set expectations as to  how soon their love affair would end…and that when it ends, there would be no explanation as to how it reached that point…it will just end…

The said scenario happened to me…but I don’t want to leave it like that…because I know I won’t be at peace not knowing how our story started and to expect it to end in a no time-bound sort of commitment. I know I’ve promised to my aunt and best friends that I’ll eventually end it and that there’s no sequel to that…But I also like to give myself a chance to understand what really happened and how it even begun…so that I can truly have a grasp of what I need to improve on to avoid committing the same mistakes…Even if I’m not really sure if I’ll ever believe in his words, which I thought were fake and superficial, I still need to hear it…and once both of us made a clear and valid explanation as to how we got into that stage, despite of the friendly ways of protecting and caring for each other’s welfare (which is what I used to believe in, as part of his real intentions).

After the Q&A, then we can really conclude our story…with no sequel.. . and what would be left is only a  DEFINITE ending.

This will be the last time I will write about you. This will a be a thank you / apology letter of some sort…

Thank you for being so nice, sweet, for all the concerns you’ve shown me and for making me feel how special I was for you. For all the efforts you’ve done to make me believe that you have wanted me long enough to grab the very opportunity to be my so-called “friend”. Thank you for warning me of the harm that some men could bring me…for making sure that I’d be able to go home safely and unharmed, especially for worrying that I my get sick because of the heavy rain. Thank you for being concern that I’ve been smoking too much already and how detrimental that vice is for my health…for sharing your life with me (whether they are facts or not)…Most of all, thank you for the lessons of life that you’ve taught me…and that’s not too trust too much…how some people would put up a front just to get what they want…just like what you did.

Amidst every good thing you’ve shared with me, I would like to apologize for returning the same kindness you have shown because I just gave you the chance to teach to be pessimistic about trusting people, especially those who’ve been showing acts of kindness and concern. Sorry because I gave you that chance…sorry because I entertained your friendly gestures as sincere and genuine manifestations of what you’ve truly felt about me 4 years ago, when we’re nothing to each other but mere strangers juggling with our respective lives…sorry for assuming that you’re different from someone I knew and broke my heart a year ago…sorry because you made her cry because of me…sorry because I messed up their lives by worrying who I really am in your life (when in fact I’m completely nothing…and that you made me believe that you have all the good intentions to want me…as your “friend”)…sorry because I didn’t realize that I messed up because I accepted the “friendship”, when in fact I tried very hard 2 months ago  to get rid of you until the very moment when we have to put to an end to our “friendship”…I’m so sorry that I didn’t give my 100% to be far from you and be happy with my life…sorry for  pretending that I’m okay with everything and the ample time to enjoy your company and care less about the important people, in our respective lives,  whether they would get hurt or not…And most of all sorry that I allowed you to bring me to that situation, when I almost forgot who I am and how I’ve been before you knocked at my door and told me how special I was at that time…Lastly, sorry because I hate you so much now and that I don’t want to have anything to do with you…sorry because I felt that everything you’ve done was directed to  a fun-filled circus of lies and heartaches…sorry…because I will never be able to forgive you, even if I’ll reach the point that I have forgiven myself…

Our story will never be a closed book or chapter…because I would like to think that it never happened at all…It’s just like a story written in the air…I will simply forget about it…including you and the memories that comes along with the man that you are with me…and that at any point of my life, I never met someone like you. I would like to consider you as a bad dream that I wished never happened. The only thing I want for now is to be able to forgive myself…because you are the biggest mistake I’ve ever had…

I don’t know what sort of state was I when I decided to spend some time to be with him. I miss him and I never thought he’d miss me that much. I spent an hour with him again, talking about nothing…while holding my hands… as if he would not wish to let go of me…He even said, “ayaw na kita bitiwan…ganito na lang tayo hanggang bukas”… as if we could be together that long. I shrugged off those words…While I was recounting some recent updates about me, he just continued holding my hands close to his heart…staring at it…as if it was the first time he held the hands of a woman… I did not let go of his hands as well, nor ask him to release mine. I would not want to end the moment nor he want to bid goodbye. I saw it in his eyes…There was even a point I was already telling him about a guy I’m supposed to date and that I’ll be seeing an old friend, just so I can cover up what is really obvious…He just remained quiet and looked somewhere else, as if he never cared…The time arrived when he had to take me home…there was no way I could stop the time and wait till the next day to come. Finally, when I was about to get down from his car, he pulled my hands  and told me how much he wanted to stay…to give him 5 minutes more of seeing me. It was a moment I never imagined to happen.  I was in awe…shock…not a single word can describe the moment. But because fear surges inside me, I had to stop and I told him how friends can’t be like that…they never have to steal moments to talk and take chances to see each other,   the way we do. I told him I’m scared and told him what I can give and invest in our so-called friendship…

I don’t what to feel when I finally decided to go down from his car. I wanted to cry, because I said some words that would make it appear as if I’m in a play safe mode… the way I used to be with Don….

After a week of soul searching and mind wrecking thoughts, I found myself falling on the same trap…coming back to the nightmare of a game where I’m in the losing end. I tried to convince myself that I don’t want to have anything to do with him…not a glimpse of him, thoughts about him and everything else. I even got sick because I was so convinced that I don’t want him anymore and that I’m brave enough to do it. I shared this with a very good friend and she advised me that it would better to gauge my stand in all of these things by really facing the person. And so that’s what I did.

I saw his car from afar. Waited for him to arrive at the usual place where we often meet and I rode his car. I did not sit beside him. I never took the chance to look at him. When we’re left alone, he uttered his usual “let’s start a conversation” pick-up lines….”Kamusta ka Cory?”…”Di kita masyado nakikita?”…and when he finally said “inisip ko iiniiwasan mo ako…”, I wanted to say yes. But I did not. I thought it would make it seem that I was very affected by everything. I explained to him how the situation scared me and compared how the girls of my ex-boyfriend (which was really unmatched)did the same things.  He was very sorry and the conversation we had was more serious than it was ever. He said he would give me a call last Saturday but I told him that I would be on out of town. He promised to call me on Sunday, which he did. Occasional moments of silence came as we talked until such time he asked for my hand, held it, kissed it and held it tight, as if he would never want to let go of me…I really don’t know what to do at that time…I had mixed emotions…anxious, mad and happy … but all the fears vanished and all I thought of was another moment like that. After a few more minutes, I finally bid him goodbye and went home.

He called up late afternoon of Sunday, as he promised… When we talked he asked me why I did not sit beside him. The very shallow answer I gave him was “gusto ko lang ibang pwesto”. That was stupid of me…He also asked how I’ve been during the past weeks we haven’t seen each other. Asked how my diet was and thought I already lost 20 lbs. He promised to give me a price when that happens. He even mentioned how he prefers to be talking to me personally…how he wanted to spend time with me, which I thought of as a very impossible scenario to happen…I told him that it’s going to be very difficult to make it real. He did not object because he clearly understood the whole situation…his situation…after few more minutes, he had to end the call, which was also expected.

At the end of it all, there’s one thing I asked myself, “Am I back in the ballgame where in the end, no matter how I play hard, I will still end up as LOSER?”…I’m not really sure if I my answer would either yes or no…I would only deceive myself if I say no…yet a YES would make everything seems wrong…but in reality a NO is the safer answer and that’ s what I should do. This is really confusing me, but somehow I’m trying to manage…I know God thought of me as too stubborn…that’s why I know his planning some new ways to help finally get rid of this whole circus…and I’m looking forward to that.

I thought what have been in the past 10 months was directed to a very beautiful dream. My very good friend and adviser just made me realize that it wasn’t a dream at all but more of a nightmare. The idea never came across my mind because I was overwhelmed with all that’s happening. Never a day would I want to miss the chance of seeing him and having a brief chitchat with him. I would spend time puffing cigarette just so I can get the chance to see him. I became too comfortable with because he was too nice and kind to treat me the way he did.

It all started with the simple questions like: “kamusta ka na?” “late ka na ata dumating…layo ba work mo?” “tagal na kita hindi nakikita dito?”, “san ka na nagwowork ngayon…diba dati sa Asia ka?”, bat pumayat ka ata?”, “ Ganitong oras ba palagi uwi mo?” , which eventually turned to more personal inquiries … “bakit di ka hinahatid ng boyfriend mo?”, “ilan kayo sa family?”, “ikaw ba breadwinner?”,  “bakit ayaw mo pa magka bf?”…From all the question and answer portion we usually have before I ride off his car started what we call “friendship”.

Late last year from a week of seeing and chatting with each other, he eventually asked for my number…but 3 mos. passed but I never received any message from him. Until we saw each other again, this was very often then. What was funny was the fact that he asked Manong Barker to send me his message and inquire of my condition, which the latter did. I was so overwhelmed with the gesture with a very highschool style that he used just to get his message across. Since then, Ive been wanting to see him more often, requiring me to wait for a max of 2 hours and sometimes longer. This has continued, until such time that we have established our comfort zone. He would send me sms asking where I am and informing me that he’ll wait for me…me asking him his whereabouts and informing him that I’m about to arrive at our meeting place. There was no malice at first with all those exchange of messages…or simply because I was in some sort of denial that there couldn’t be anything more than the friendly gestures he’s showing me. I tried to block any thoughts that would make me believe that there could be something behind all his concerns whenever he says, “Ingat ka!”, “naku ginagabi ka na”, naku mukhang pagod ka?”, “baka pagalitan ka ng mami mo”, “magingat ka dun kasi alam mo…”, “ihahatid na kita kasi malakas ang ulan, may sakit ka pa, baka mabasaka”, “ tama na kasi ang yosi, may sakit ka na eh.” ,“gabi na, delikado na for you”, “sorry pinagintay kita”, “nahihiya ako pagintayin ka, kahit gusto ko sabay tayo”. All these often give me the feeling of being in ecstasy, despite of…

Then came some period wherein we rarely and sometimes don’t even get the chance to see each other…I got the weird feeling then that I miss this person so much, but I know for a fact that shouldn’t happen and I couldn’t let that happen. It was unfair for him…He’d been nice while I’m trying to disillusion myself of what could there be. Then I realized that I should kill the weird feeling. It was so wrong…even the thought of it was as grave as the sin of Killing someone…I never texted him, waited for him and convinced myself that there’s someone out there whom I should give the chance. 3 weeks passed, while I’m clubbing with friends when his number appeared as missed call. I sent him a message asking why he was calling, but only got the response the day after. He was asking where I ve been because we haven’t seen each other for quite sometime. I was flattered by the fact that he started inquiring about me again and he might have missed me. Yet, I tried to discount the latter.

After a few more months, came the chance to talk for more than 5 minutes, about business, personal lives, spend two hours on an empty parking lot just sharing how our lives have been and how we want it  to be and eventually giving him the chance to let me know how much he had always wanted to be friend me 4 years ago and how fascinated he is with me , wondering if I’m taken or not, giving me a ride home…and eventually having the opportunity to be together for an out town trip (which led me to  realize that there’s something wrong with what I feel), with a moment when he just simply stared at me as if there’s no tomorrow to do that…All these were part of what we call as friendship…I thought it would revolve only on those things…until the time he begun calling me on the phone to shar e how he wanted a relationship to start from a friendship, to check how I was…I had mixed emotions over all the chances of being together , talking, laughing, smiling, sharing each other lives…because from the onset there’s something wrong with the friendship as what we always call it. I’m happy, yet I’m guilty and scared that all these things are not meant to last. Moreso, I also thought how could we call it friendship when we cant even tell and show other people that we have this so-called friendship…

The answer was obvious even before our simple conversations started until we have established this friendship. And it was just four days ago, when the reality of the situation bit me so hard that I got scared of whatever this friendship may bring us…for me and him…I wished that if I only have made the right decisions and actions on how to deal with him from the very start this would nt have gotten this far. I wouldn’t be as hurt and guilty as I am now. I wouldn’t feel any regret over what we have already established. I wouldn’t be as sorry as I am now with the people who’d get hurt if this would continue.

The last message I got from him after the night of his birthday was, “ I’m very sorry…sana maintinfihan mo…sori uli…”. The response I gave him was, “okay lang po…paxxenxa na rin…”. Why did he say sorry? Was that because he led me to his situation where I shouldn’t be or was it because of the fact that our friendship was too shallow to withstand any challenges such as that one? And why did I say sorry?…I apologized because I know I shouldn’t have entertained him from the onset…I was more sorry because I felt that I also led him to the situation where I shouldn’t be…I’m sorry for the innocent people who could have been in pain if we will prolong the friendship…I’m sorry because in my thoughts and from what I feel, I know I drifted from the principles I used to believe in and almost forgot that this is not me…

All the things that happened in that entire nightmare started with a beautiful dream…Once I wish it would never end, but  now all I’m thinking is how to forget the beautiful dream and learn from the nightmare that it left me. I know God had to teach me the hard way, because I always forget the lessons that my previous experiences left me.

I guess what happened tonight was more like a reinforcement of what I’m suppose to do..the RIGHT thing to do…get rid of him…totally get him out of the whole story…It all started with a greetings thru sms because it’s his birthday. Then his response of cold appreciation. THen after a few hours, another sms from him,asking me to sleep and with a more warm gratefulness that I remembered his special day. I could not resist , i replied to him and informed him that Im still awake. Few more minutes passed and his number appeared on my phone again. The sender was not him. I turned as pale and cold as ice. I couldnt move and my hands were trembling…I did not respond to the message so I could avoid this from becoming a really big mess.

It has to end..It’s now or never…It’s do or die…But one thing is for sure, no matter how I look at the situation, my conscience burdens me to the very core of my being. And no matter how many people I ask whether I’m right or not that there’s nothing wrong with the friendship, my conscience tells otherwise. It makes me feel like a rotten soul, slowly drowning to hell. But admist all these realizations, what scares me most is to face him and get the chance to see and be with him again, or even hear his voice…Because he ligthen up things…he just make me feel comfortable about everything…he makes me feel secured about the whole thing…to just stay calm and to just wait until the time he’ll lead me to the biggest mistake I could ever do…Should I wait for it to happen? I don’t know…I’m not really sure if I want it or not…But one thing is for sure. I want my peace of mind back…I want real happiness free from guilt…free from all the worries…I know God will give it to me soon…once I finally set my self free from him, just like what HE did with my ex…

I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know that something’s not right again. My thoughts about the current state of what was supposed to have ended a month ago are coming back to life. We rarely see each other and have the opportunity to talk. He never sent me any sms during those times, maybe he did but  with a simple hi and hello and was not very consistent in doing that. I shrugged of the thoughts of him during those times and even before when i contemplated how wrong my  feelings are and the fact that I’m not really sure if he’s interested on me or not…maybe because of the inconsistency, the situation or simply because he can’t…or maybe I just really misinterpreted everything that he’s showing me…But last Friday, I know I already made a message across. He asked me what time I’ll be going home and that he’s going to wait for me. I wasn’t able to make it on time and I thought he sort of got mad about it…I was worried…felt guilty when in fact I’m not really sure if I should. But when I arrived to the place, I asked if he’s coming back and I told him that I’d wait and I did. I waited for an hour not caring about what other people would think of me…Well, I waited for two things him and my business with him…When he was about to drop me in a nearby house to my place, we talked for like 15 to 20 mins. He asked me again if I have a boyfriend and I said to keep my answer as a secret because I don’t like his friends to know that I’m not taken. I also told him about someone I dated and he was too inquisitive as to what happened during that to a point when I felt that I was under some sort of interrogation, but in a more subtle way. I also shared with him that a friend of his gave me a ride home and he was shocked and worried about it, questioning why I agreed and advising me to be careful.  How did the topic I bring up the topic? He was just worried because my mom would see us and might think something about us talking. Well, we also talked about the business I have with him. The whole conversation ended because I felt it’s already getting late and I know that he also needed to go home. I already bid farewell and the word s he uttered before I got off his car was “BITIN…di bale we’ll still see each other…tomorrow…or next week.” My heart was also yearning more time with him to get to know him again and to have a reality check at least…And yesterday, when I accidentally sent him a message, not really intended for him, he replied that he’s just in SM and was asking if I was at home…but 15 mins already passed before i read his message and I really don’t know why he was asking me if I’m at home…But at the back of my mind I was presumptuous to think that he wanted to see me. He never replied to my message informing him that I was at home and asking if he need anything from me, until this moment..But why should I care, right? He meant obviously nothing… to everything he’s showing, saying and everything else…Next weekend , we might be together for an out of town, but that’s purely business. And that could be the first time that I’ll be able to see him from morning till dawn and might be able to talk to him not only for a few minutes or so. I’m excited and apprehensive at the same time. I really don’t know what to feel or think because whichever way we look at it, everything is a mistake and whether there’s emotion or just a thought should not be entertained at all.

It’s as if I was in a roller coaster ride today. First, I learned that I lost my 3k. Can’t recall what happened yesterday and not sure how I lost it. I cried so hard when I realized that I really lost it. I even had a fight with my mom and wasnt able to control my emotions that caused me to raise my voice on my mom while she’s scolding for being so irresponsible and clumsy about my stuff. I was really down and depressed that’s why I slept all day, until I realized that I’ll be more depress about the situation if I stay at home. So I decided to meet up with my bestfriend and Weng and watch a movie, just so I can divert my attention. We actually watched dead na si lolo and the movie was really good and I had a good laugh over it. In the middle of the movie, this guy friend was texting me and I was supposed to go out for a dinner with him, but Bryle and Weng did not allow me to accept the invitation. On our way to Starbucks, after watching the movie, we saw a very familiar…someone who’s very close to me and who happened to have mishaps and broke bridges with us because of money matters. I thought I would violently deal with her when we finally met. But because I was in awe, I just smiled at her and from there we tagged her along to Starbucks…It ended that she paid her debts with me and the 3 K was replaced with 4K. I was very much relieved…because I may have lost the 3k, but because someone wants to bridge the gap, I earned more than what I lost…Money and friendship…We did not settle differences only because of the money…but that’s part of it…I saw from her that she missed me and all our other friends…She asked us to forget what happened and I’m pretty sure she understood well that we really have to start all over again… I’m just not sure how will she start earning my mom’s trust again…But all things ended well today…ecept that my mom is still mad at me…But I know that will be fixed soon…